BLUNT TRAUMA 
A few days ago, I was sitting across from my friend’s mom as everybody around us was putting their ski gear on and getting their ski lift passes. As I sat idly with her and my friend, she randomly commented that I looked like I had gotten chubbier around the face since the last time she had seen me. Trying to hide my annoyance, I smiled and tried to act cute about it while my friend chuckled beside me. Later that day, I found myself sitting across the table from her again. I was busy going online, but she remarked that I didn’t have as much acne on my face before. I simply agreed and returned to what I was doing, but internally I gave a big WTF?
Was she trying to make conversation? Because I can think of quite a few more socially acceptable topics of conversation than my superficial flaws. Maybe she knew that her son used to have a crush on me and was so glad that he was over an ugly fatty like myself that she was forced to verbalize her dissatisfaction with my appearance. I tried to avoid her the rest of the day. What would she tell me next? That my breath smells worse this year than last year?
Of course, this was not the only instance in recent experience. When I went to my aunt’s house for Thanksgiving dinner, she stage-whispered to me as we were exiting the dining room that my skin wasn’t looking too good. I’m pretty sure all the adults at the table heard her. And, the FIRST thing that my dad said when he saw me for the FIRST time for the entire semester was that I looked like I had gained weight since the summer.
What the hell? Does my face somehow incite people to believe they can somehow insult me to my face without any negative consequences? I don’t expect lies, to be sure, but brutal honesty is not entirely welcome unless I ask for it.
Maybe they’re reminding me to wash my face more and eat less. This reminds me of something I read in a column once. Somebody had written in about a quandary they were facing with an overweight friend. “She
broke my couch once,” this perplexed person wrote. “I want to encourage her toward a more healthy lifestyle, but how can I bring it up without offending her?”
The columnist wisely answered that bringing it up any way at all would be offensive. “Do you think she doesn’t
know that she’s overweight, especially in this image-obsessed society? Don’t you think that it must have been many times more embarrassing for her when she broke your couch? You don’t need to say anything to her about her weight.” I know that in extreme cases this advice wouldn’t apply, but in my case it pertains perfectly.
I struggle with my body image more than anything else. Every time I look in the mirror
[and believe me that’s a lot], I’m reminded that I’m not as fresh-faced and lithe as I was in the prime of my youth. Do I really look so horrid now that people feel the need to shame me into improvement? I spend enough time worrying about my appearance. I don’t need it from anybody else, thanks.
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Comments (4)
ya know, laura, i dont want to speculate about what might have caused such seemingly calloused comments, especially because i dont know the people involved. but i do know that family (yours, mine, lots of people i know) for whatever reason tends to feel safe sharing any and all thoughts about your life. sometimes it really sucks. and sometimes theyre just flat wrong. id bet my entire savings (which is a big deal since i have to be a real adult in like 6 months :) !) that if we polled a random sample of people asking whether your appearance was "horrid," 100% would answer "no." its REALLY REALLY HARD not to let that stuff effect (affect?) you, but if youre looking for any input, mine would be to pray for God's truth about your worth to be the most pervasive. every time you think negatively about your physical appearance, pray. ill do it too! go team!!
despite my own jelly roll (or perhaps because of it), i'd say studying and exercise might be the best things for you. maybe learning a foreign language?
Dear Laura,
Even though I just spoke to you on the phone not even an hour ago, I would like to comment on this post. I have a few points to make. First of all, you are beautiful-inside and out. And it's really hard for anyone to have confidence in this ridiculous world filled with plastic surgery and the idea that beauty is 5'9", 110 lb. bodies, but I think that you realizing your own beauty is the first part of getting past the self-confidence thing and I truly think that you have the ability to gain the confidence! No worries. I definitely don't have what people call "the perfect body", but I'm still confident that I'm beautiful and sexy!!! Though, like any girl, I have ugly days. My second point is that being Chinese, I think you have the worst when it comes to family commenting on your weight and looks. I don't know about other Chinese families, but mine is EXACTLY like yours. And by exactly, I mean, for real, practically verbatim. Never do I go to a family gathering without a relative saying "you look a little skinnier these days," or "wow, have you gained some weight?" Yesterday, my mom says to me, "why are you boobs so big? Every time you come home, your boobs get bigger." And I'm pretty freaking sure that what she said is code for, "you are getting fatter every time I see you." And I think it's just the Chinese way. To be very very very extremely, almost to the point to where you are thinking "OMGOSH WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU" blunt. When I visited China in 2005, I was hanging out with my brother, and this kid of one of my mom's best friends from high school and he says to me, "you are really beautiful, but also you are very fat." And this was all in Shanghainese. So you can guess my first reaction was shock. And then of course, because I'm a very very kind American, I laughed. And then I ran to my mom and told her what he just told me and she laughed too. And of course my brother was laughing because he's not very nice when it comes to my weight and I was just standing there exasperated because I wasn't sure what to think. In my head I was thinking, HOW DARE YOU COMPLIMENT ME AND INSULT ME IN THE SAME SENTENCE!!? But seriously, I just think that in the Chinese culture, there's no such thing as disgression. Is that how you spell it? Anyway, sorry this is such a long comment. Just thought I'd let you in on what I thought! Talk to you later!
man...i can't believe people sometimes, especially church folk
sigh...
well you are much better than i. I would have like said some nasty things back. so good for u.
we all need to learn and pray for each other.
i hope you've moved on